Sexual Assault: Help for Family & Friends

Your instinct may want to take control, and fix this situation for the survivor. It is important to understand that the survivor has just had control taken away, and the best thing you can do for them right now is give them the freedom to make their own choices. Follow the lead of your loved one. Let them know you will support the decisions they make, and then do so.

They are looking to you for support. Blame and judgement only hurt. Don’t ask them WHY? Why didn’t you…? Why did you…? “Why” questions tend to back someone into a defensive corner. This will not be helpful in their recovery or in your relationship.

A survivor may be unintentionally humiliated by someone close to them requesting intimate details of their assault. Allow them to decide when to talk about it, and with whom. Try to respect the decisions that are made as to who will know about the assault. Recovering from an assault is a unique and individual experience for every survivor. The length of the recovery will differ depending on the survivor’s personality and support system.

The ways survivors react may not always reflect the amount of trauma they have been through. Allow the survivor to feel whatever it is they may be feeling. You may be feeling a great need to do something to help. Be careful that you are not forcing your friend or family member to do something for their healing that they may not be

ready for (i.e. counseling, talking, reporting, etc.).

Trying to convince a survivor to move home, or to another apartment may reinforce that they are powerless and vulnerable. This can be discouraging to survivors and could keep them from getting the proper resources to cope. You do not want to promote unhealthy dependence on others. What a survivor needs is help in rebuilding the independence and self confidence that has been taken from them.

Do not limit the independence of the survivor by making decisions for them. Respect their judgement concerning dating, seeing friends, going out, and other things they may want to do.

If you have experienced a sexual assault in the past, be mindful of your own feelings and experiences, be careful not to project them onto the survivor.

One of the biggest obstacles for males and reporting sexual assaults is the fear that others may project a sexual orientation onto the survivor.

Listen more than you speak. If you are hearing your own voice more than the survivors, you are talking too much. Listen more.

Your role is not to have all the answers. Listen to the survivor and do what they need you to do.

Even if you know others who have experienced sexual assault, avoid comparing the experiences.

There was a relationship with the survivor prior to this, and there will be again. If your loved one is not jumping in to take control of the situation, this does not mean that you need to. Let them sort out where they are trying to go with their recovery, and be there to support their decisions.

This is a normal and understandable feeling, and yet,  not the best way to respond. Right now, calmness and fair judgement are the most beneficial. Threatening to take care of the situation only adds to the emotional baggage the survivor is already feeling.

The survivor needs to be reassured that the sexual assault is not equal to promiscuity or cheating.

If you have a sexual relationship with the survivor, let them decide if or when they are ready to resume that relationship. Let the survivor be the guide, do not take the lack of sexual desire personally. You may consider counseling to help with these relationship changes.